Day 27

We are swiftly approaching the 30 day mark. Not that it's all that important, as this will take as long as it takes, but 30 days is good. It says, "Nancy has the habit of eating with thought and exercising regularly." In the face of those facts, I don't want to screw it up!

Last weekend was a test of my ability to do the right thing, at least most of the time. I did okay. Not perfect, but okay. So, check! I can travel and not go berserk with food. What I didn't do is exercise and it was something I should have done. My sister would say that I exercised walking all over the place with her, but as we ALL know, it isn't the same. So, the days march on and I continue to work at this getting me where I should be thing.

As I'm working on this renovation of myself, I'm putting lots of thought into what I really want out of life. For so many years, I just wanted to survive. I felt like that was all I was ever going to be able to do,  so I got into the habit of surviving being enough. Then I had a child and I needed to think about making sure he has everything he needs. Now, it seems that with all the work I put into 'surviving' and raising my family and preparing for everyone's future, I'm finally in a place where I can relax long enough to consider what I really want out of life. So, what the heck do I really want?

Yes, you know I can't stand it and I HAVE to write a list! So, here is an initial list of what I want out of life  (I probably want more than this, but I have to have some secrets, don't I?):

I Want...

• ...a doctor to tell me that my blood work is NORMAL. (i.e. no high bad cholesterol, no pre-diabetes, no cancer indicators, NO NOTHING!)
• ...to be able to walk and walk and not think I'm going to pass out!
• ...my normal activity and approach to food to simply be normal and right.
• ...to blend in with the world because I'm NORMAL. (catching a theme here?)
• ...the experience of going into a normal store and selecting a normal sized clothing item off the rack and trying it on and it fits perfectly.
• ...the experience of wearing a beautiful fancy dress and not think people are saying to themselves, "She's really too fat for that look!"
• ...a life of quality that allows me to get around and experience new people, places and things without worrying what people are thinking of me.
• ...not to be sick because I'm fat.
• ...the people I love (and you know who you are) to be proud to be seen with me (and you know you aren't right now).
• ...my body to experience less pain because I'm not forcing it to carry 130 lbs. of extra me around!
• ...to know what it's like not to be judged by my fat.
• ...to fulfill my dreams (this is an entirely separate list) and no, I'm not telling you what those are!

I guess you could call this the start of a bucket list, but not really. The bucket isn't even in my thoughts! Most of my wants are not really tangible. I can't go and buy them or make them. All I know is that I can't seem to get any of these things that I really want, until I fix this overeating, food obsessed, lazy ass of mine!! "Wow! That's kind of harsh, Nancy," I hear you saying. I call 'em as I see 'em, honey! No one else can fix this problem. I have to change. It's like telling a depressed person to, "Snap out of it!" Well, so far, I haven't been able to snap out of my issues and make the changes stick. This time, I'm doing things differently with the 'sticky' part being the prime focus. I know now that I can't solve my eating issues, while trying to prepare 3 meals a day for my family. Maybe other people can do it, but I can't. I've proved I can't and so, I am no longer a good home cook.  In fact, I'm no cook at all. That avenue of pleasure has been closed off and we don't want it opened up again! Yes, cooking was a great pleasure, but not because of the act of preparing the meals! If you think that, you're wrong.  NOPE! I became and held onto being a good...no, GREAT cook, because it allowed me to eat. As the cook, I had to taste everything, didn't I? Of course! Yes, I admit it. I cooked because I wanted to eat and I only wanted to eat delicious food.  Oh, and yes, LOTS of it!!  Oh, I'm admitting lots today! So, I don't want to cook anymore, or even handle much food. I need the food to be ready for me to eat and so, MFF is what I use and they are GREAT! I will also use frozen when I need to, but all my food needs to be prepared for me.

The exercise is coming along nicely. I actually like exercising, but just prefer to do it outside. It's just too hot to do it here at the moment. I'm also working up to being able to be outside for more than 30 minutes walking. It will all be okay with the exercise...I have confidence.

So, I've spilt my guts (isn't that a pretty picture?) and now it's time to go get myself ready for rest. I had a tough night last night with leg/foot cramps that drug me out of bed several times. I don't know what's going on, but I'm sure it will all be okay. I will sleep well tonight...please let it be so! Until tomorrow, sweet dreams, Sweeties!!